The following is a guest blog from Sandy Swenson – Sandy Swenson.com
My son is a stranger; an addict wears his face. Everyday I must wake to the loss and horror of this and still put one foot in front of the other; everyday I must climb a mountain no mother should ever have to climb.
Sometimes I feel so alone.
My son is now invisible, but my heart still holds his place. Rarely does anyone mention Joey’s name. After all the trouble and trauma no one knows what to say anymore; no one wants to ask when I last saw my son or spoke to him or if he’s still alive. Family and friends want me to be okay, so I act strong for their sake (and mine). But I hurt. Time doesn’t heal all wounds… at least not yet.
Sometimes I feel so alone.
My son is an addict, relegating us to a shamed and lonely place. Ours is a world where drunken car accidents, intravenous speedballs, and drug overdoses are not understood. A world where addiction is hushed and shushed and hidden away, snug and comfy in the illusion of sweet dreams and happy endings and the power of a mother’s love. A world that believes — because it must — that children do not self-destruct randomly and therefore this mother’s love must be tremendously flawed.
Sometimes I feel so alone.
My son is in the grips of a tragic disease, even though it may look more like a disgrace. I’m afraid for Joey. He is sick, maybe dying, yet I can’t hold his hand.
Sometimes I’m not as strong as I look. Ask how I’m doing and I won’t feel so alone.
The Joey Song: A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction is available in bookstores and libraries.
Comments 4
Sandy, thank you for sharing what’s true for you. And for asking for what you need. I cannot imagine what it’s like walking in your shoes. And, I do want to know, want to understand . . .
You described my life to a T. The pain, the sadness, the heartache, the isolation just won’t go away… I don’t know how to make it go away. I suffer alone because others are tired of it and want to block it out but he’s my child. I have to figure out how to save him.
Author
Ann, thanks so much for taking the time to write with your warm words. They give me strength. Hugs, Sandy
Author
Julie, I’m sorry that you, too, know this pain. I encourage you to find a support group such as Al Anon (one specifically for parents of addicted children) or Families Anonymous. There is a lot of comfort and wisdom perspective (and sanity) to be found in those rooms. You are not alone. And, together we are stronger. Sending hugs, Sandy