By Mary Cucarola – 5/9/20

“Behind all your stories is always your mother’s story, because here is where yours begins.” ~Mitch Albom

Mom, if we could manage one more conversation, it might be a loving talk of memories, a few regrets, and hope.  It might go something like this in my imagination:

I miss you, Mom.

I miss you, too.

How is Cody?

He’s happy, like he was when he was six.  We watch movies together, E.T. is still our favorite.  He watches Home Alone, too.  He likes to set his little traps on the stairs.  We can be any age we want to be here.

Do you still watch Jeopardy?

I do!  I am so sad to hear about Alex Trebek’s cancer.  God may take him soon. 

Maybe.  How is my dad?

He’s just the same as always.  Bossing everyone around up here and drinking martinis with six ice cubes and two large olives.  He hangs out a lot with Al Soinski and Felix Mendisco.  They make fried potatoes with lots of garlic and still think it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Ha, ha.  That is so like my dad.  How is Lisa?

She loves to dance and listen to music, just like when she was a teenager.  You know the saying “Dance, like nobody is watching” – she does.

I miss all three of them very much.

They miss you, too.  If this makes you feel better, their search for true happiness is over, they’ve found it.  They’ve found all the answers to their dreams here.  Their misery and pain are gone.

That does make me feel betterThanks, Mom.

You know, Mary, our spirits never die.    

Sometimes, I feel your spirit.  I have to be open to it, though, like today.  Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mary.  I am always with you in spirit. I miss our Mother’s Day brunches together.

I miss our brunches, too.  You always went for the dessert table, first.

Yes, I did and I still do!  You doing okay?

Up and down.  I remember when you told me I was going to get lonely.  Do you remember our conversation several years ago up in Telluride at my house?  You said my divorce and my obsession with saving Cody were going to end up making me lonely.  I was very mad at you when you said it.  You spoke the truth, and I knew it.  You were always good at speaking the truth.

I was often too blunt.  But it was out of love, not to hurt you.  I was worried about you and your well-being.  I remember what it was like after your dad died.  I got very lonely, until I met Bert.

I remember.  How is Bert?

He is doing very well.  We play the organ together a lot.  They have the best organs here, much fancier than mine!

I am glad to hear that, Mom.  I know how much you loved your organ.  You will be happy to know it was given to the Veterans in Grand Junction after you left us.  Janet and Brenda arranged it.

Oh, that is so good to hear it’s being put to good use.  But back to you, Mary.  Are you lonely?

I’m sure you already know; we have a pandemic going on in the world – COVID-19.  We’ve had to isolate for a few weeks, so the isolation has intensified loneliness for many, including me.  May I ask you, if you know, why God or the Universe would allow a pandemic to happen?

As far as I know God nor the Universe allowed it to happen, Mary.  It is man’s doing and it will be up to man to undo it.  It will take the collective conscience of humankind to eradicate it one way or another.

Like a shared understanding?

Yes, something like that.  Fear attracts like energy.  So does love.  We learn all of this here – if we didn’t already know it.  I have much more clarity now.  

I wish there was something I could do to help that would make a difference.  I feel helpless and frustrated with all of it, and at times, I start to go to a deep, dark place.

I would advise you to stay in the light and out of the darknessHelp where you can, as in your nonprofit you started in memory of Cody.  Focus on those you can help and their families.  It is what you do best.  By the way, Cody is very proud of you.

He is?  He’s not mad at me?

I know you think you made a lot of mistakes, and that you could have been a better mother.  That you worked too much or gave him too much candy or spoiled him or enabled him or the myriad of other things you beat yourself up about.  I hear the thoughts you have going on in your head, and I am telling you that you did the best you could, and it was good enough. 

Yes, those are my thoughts at times.  I often wonder if I caused his death by my enabling and if my guilt is some sort of punishment.  I see it written all over the internet, that mothers enable their children to death – I have a visceral reaction to it.

His death is not a result of your misdeeds or the universe retaliating against you for your mistakes.  You of all people know addiction is a disease.  Cody made some bad choices early on in his life, and he paid dearly for those choices.  But God took him out of his suffering, because you couldn’t and neither could he.  And I can attest to his happiness and well-being now.  Forgive yourself.  

Thank you.  I needed to hear that today and I will try to forgive myself.  I still miss him and wish he were here.

He is here.  As I told you, our spirits never die. We just transform from our bodies to our spirit. He says to have a Happy Mother’s Day, hopes you play some golf, like you both used to do on Mother’s Day, and to be assured he is always nearby.  Look for the signs.  Stay in the light. 

I love you, Mom.  I especially love that you are the same in spirit, even better – an authentic soul always.  I am lucky you are my mom.  You helped to make me who I am.

Love you, too, Mary. 

Of course, this conversation didn’t happen, but if it did, I would want it to go something like this one.  Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms who are only here with us in spirit.

Mary Cucarola – 5/9/20