February 5, 2016
I hold this day in my heart with sadness, love, and compassion.
Today would have been my son’s 29th birthday. Today I want to give a voice to Cody and to his addiction, which ultimately took his young life.
To all those he hurt, I say he was sick, not cruel. To all those he disappointed, I say he was sick, not irresponsible. To all those he lied to, I say he was sick, not dishonest. To all those he stole from, I say he was sick, not a thief. To all those who said it was a choice, I say it was a choice in the beginning, but not in the end. To all those people who judged him, I say he was sick, not a moral failure.
But wait, does being sick make it acceptable to hurt, disappoint, lie, steal, or be irresponsible? Absolutely not. Addiction is a disease, but that doesn’t mean it’s a viable excuse. Sobriety is possible, but difficult.
I think the biggest lie was the one Cody kept telling himself. He told himself whatever he needed to hear to get his way and get high, regardless of the consequences. Once he started, he couldn’t stop. All of these things he did were wrong, and he knew it, which made him feel embarrassed and ashamed. He said to someone I know a week before he died “I’m a piece of shit”. He certainly wasn’t an angel, but he wasn’t a piece of shit, either.
He was afflicted with an abnormal reaction to drugs and alcohol; a mental obsession and physical craving. This is a definition of addiction, which makes sense to me, after watching Cody struggle for so many years. He couldn’t stop when others could, and it was hard for him to accept that reality, especially in the beginning.
Unfortunately, the worse he felt, the more he wanted to feel numb. There weren’t enough drugs on this planet to numb Cody sufficiently. His body craved more and more. I know this is true, because he told me.
Cody wanted sobriety, but he couldn’t hold onto it. He wanted to be well for his daughter, for his dad, for me, but couldn’t hold onto it for himself. I often wonder if he finally gave up on himself.
What else do I think he would he want to voice on this day of his birth?
That he didn’t sell his soul for drugs, that he lost his soul to drugs. That he’s sorry for all the pain and suffering he caused everyone, that he should have trusted more in the love, acceptance, and help from a Higher Power. That it wasn’t anyone’s fault, but his own.
That it started out as a way to fit in, but ended up as a disease. That he loved his daughter, his family, and his friends with all his heart. That he’s not addicted any longer. That he’s at peace now and out of his pain and experiencing a joy drugs could never give him. That he’s here with us all if we take the time to feel his presence and notice the signs.
That he is an angel now.
Yes, Cody is finally an angel. Happy Birthday, Angel.
Mary Cucarola – February 2016